The 7 Cardinal Sins minus 1

This creation leaves the trivial things in life like the general elections and an underperforming economy to the lesser mortals and talks about real pressing issues faced by the mankind and that is courting girls to find a suitable match for Jay.

Acknowledgement
This piece is being presented with a fair knowledge that tomorrow a disgruntled employee, a spurned lover, the newspaper-wala whose monthly bill I didn't pay and the neighbor whose window panes I had broken while playing cricket 20 years ago, can use it against me. But I see the Glass - Half Full. So, I confess here with a hope for humanity and its tendency to forgive those who err.

Cover Story

01/09/13 4:11:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: Hi

01/09/13 4:12:00 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Hi

01/09/13 4:17:51 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: howz u

01/09/13 4:18:13 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Cool.. u?

01/09/13 4:25:50 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: gud

01/09/13 4:26:41 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: n work??

01/09/13 4:27:07 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Wo bhi theek hai .. How was yo trip to Singapore?

01/09/13 4:32:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: awesome...

01/09/13 4:44:11 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: how was ur date....?

01/09/13 4:47:27 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Was gr8 ..

01/09/13 4:47:54 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: dis was which 1 ....ur nth..

01/09/13 4:48:50 PM: Jay The Old Hag: 6th .. It took me sm effort dis time but I managed ..

01/09/13 4:49:01 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 4:49:03 PM: Xena The Warrior Princes: omg.. 6th in a row

01/09/13 4:49:16 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: did she like u ? dats imp..

01/09/13 4:50:20 PM: Jay The Old Hag: I think she wanted to say so .. Her lips moved but her voice was nt audible ..

01/09/13 4:50:31 PM: Jay The Old Hag: And ..

01/09/13 4:50:30 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: hahaa

01/09/13 4:50:33 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: omg

01/09/13 4:50:59 PM: Jay The Old Hag: After u poison some1 it's best not to hang around fr long..

01/09/13 4:50:59 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: frm whr on dis earth did you hunt her

01/09/13 4:51:35 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: it depends on wat type of  poison....u r inducin

01/09/13 4:51:38 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: n on whom

01/09/13 4:53:18 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Oh! Don worry I know a bit bout poisons now after d exp of administering it 6 times..

01/09/13 4:53:41 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 4:53:52 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: dat i knw how smart u r in administerin poison

01/09/13 4:55:24 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: after all a 33 yr old guy will b an expert in it

01/09/13 4:56:36 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Is it so .. ? But all good things come to an end :( ... N now I hv only 1 to go ..

01/09/13 4:58:42 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: freak...r u havin a swamybhar

01/09/13 5:01:19 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Did u mean to type Swamy Bar .. ? Tht will b nice ..

01/09/13 5:01:36 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha.. dat too wit ladies dancin

01/09/13 5:02:18 PM: Jay The Old Hag: If they are dancing there, they may not be "ladies".... :p.. I mean to stop at 7 .. Coz I hv heard its 7 Khoon maaf..

01/09/13 5:02:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: after dat u will b hanged ???  or ...

01/09/13 5:04:31 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Pata nahin .. may be. Also, aftr tht I hv no reason to kill ..

01/09/13 5:04:48 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Der r only 7 Cardinal sins na ..

01/09/13 5:05:07 PM: Jay The Old Hag:  So, may b they will hang me aftr tht ..

01/09/13 5:08:31 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 5:08:42 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: yaar set ho ja.... bahut tp kar liya life main

01/09/13 5:10:12 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: official life set hai...ab personal kar le

01/09/13 5:11:07 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: i will meet u for a round of chit chat

01/09/13 5:12:13 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Life insurance hai na ..

01/09/13 5:13:57 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

Epilogue:

Dating Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Pride, Envy, Lust and Sloth.

1. Wrath (Ira) - She was all wrapped in a blood red sleeveless gown. Our love met a pitifully tragic end in the very first time we went out on a dinner date. Over dinner, we waited and weren't served for almost 20 minutes, Ira's anger boiled over. Firstly, she abused the manager long enough for him to have nightmares and then, she mocked me endlessly for being the spineless person I am. I think she may have questioned my manhood too. To marry her or not, was not the Q but survival of The Bengali Bhadralok was!!! It was not the poison that I used but Ira was done by her anger.

2. Gluttony (Gulabo) – Not every woman biting that Mango is as enticing as Katrina Kaif (see here) even if her name is Gulabo. Some of them stuff themselves like a pig. I am a pig myself but I keep my gastronomic adventures to myself and my ways don't infringe someone else's peace. Gulabo, however, crossed all limits. When I thought the dinner was over, she ordered an extra soup and then, ate my ice cream too. It was the chocolate sauce I added on top of the ice-cream bowl, which was poisoned. I have never seen anyone lick one's death to such delight. Charles Schultz has once said, “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” I guess he was wrong.

3. Greed (Avaritia) - To call Avaritia just another girl would be grossly undermining her persona. I find one word that can capture enormity of her acumen - A Female Munimji. When the food bill was produced she asked for a 5 % discount because the tamarind was too tangy and another 5% because the Rasogolla was too sweet. The effort required to burn that extra calorie would mean an extra month on the treadmill in the Gym. So, someone needed to pay the fee. Avaritia's argument was just and so was mine (to kill her). Ten more customers in a day like that would result in the failure of entire food and restaurant business. I was dutifully bound to carry out God's work and save the industry.

4. & 5. Pride and Envy (SuperVidia) – SuperVidia was elegant and calm. In the conversation, she flew like a cherepy bird from one topic to another describing how awesome she is. I soaked everything with her effervescent beauty till we started talking about our parents. She said her dad is humble, caring, rich, intelligent, USAIN BOLT, STEVE JOBS, BABA RAMDEV, ... (ok! she may not have said the last few but you get the drift..). By the time, Supervidia finished, I started to believe her Dad didn't require a woman as a partner to give birth to her. He is superhuman enough to have done it on his own (you know Mitosis). To be the daughter of someone so prolific was shining through Supervidia's face. Little else in the surrounding mattered to her.
            Neighbours envy is your pride. By that corollary, the one beaming with pride is unknowingly causing envy somewhere else. So, the above lady who had pride on her nose, in her silky smooth hair, her billowing gown, her apple red cheeks - was guilty of causing envy too. Unwillingly, I killed her twice. Once, with the poison and then, I shot her too.

6. Now, I imagine you must be waiting for the one I killed because of her lecherous nature .. for her lust..

Actually, I killed her because she said her name was Sunny Leone. Just like that or may be because I was bored of excessive social media jokes on her.

[About Sunny Leone - Did you guys watch The Virginity Hit, the movie that introduced me to Sunny Leone. If not for anything else, it is better than spending time in such blogs :P. The movie opens with the following epic lines  -

“I'm gonna do to your virginity what Alfred Hitchcock did to birds.”]

Sloth - the 7th one .. wait for it!!